Again, I wrote this a few months ago.


The landlocked pirate of Portales, New Mexico


I’m a pirate all right, isn’t it clear? Look at this long and nappy black beard, it still has crumbs in it from the battered fish sticks that I had for lunch. Perhaps you didn’t notice this eye-patch that I have to wear, it’s true that I don’t need it per say, and often times I change it from my left to my right eye, but that is only because it gets itchy and uncomfortable. But I’ll tell you right now that that does not make me any less of a pirate. In fact, did you notice my leg? No, not the right one, but the left one. Well, of course they would look the same to you. My left leg is my sea leg. I’ve always had problems with my balance; I had a real bad ear infection as a child. My left leg tends to wobble a lot as I walk; it shows people the effects of pirating. Would you like to see me take a walk around my yard? It is very entertaining to children and adults a like. Fine! I wasn’t planning on showing you anyway. Punks like you have no respect for pirates these days. What do you mean where is my ship? I guess you don’t see very well, it’s over there in the driveway. It may look like a Buick to you, but I can assure you that that is one of the greatest of pirate land-vessels every made. Perhaps you didn’t notice the skull and cross-bone bumper sticker on the trunk. That clearly states that that vehicle is to be used for pirating purposes only. Why is my wife driving away in it? That’s a stupid question, she has been given permission to go to the store and pillage it. I hope she remembers to get some Fig Newton’s, I love those things. Oh, so you don’t think I speak like a pirate. Well, you should have been here yesterday when I gave the mailman a good cussing out. If that no good mailman delivers my publishers clearing house to the neighbors again, I’m gonna talk to his supervisor. Have I even been to the ocean? That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard, in fact I don’t think that I need to answer anymore of your questions. I think that it would be best if you just told me how much I owe you for the Thin Mints and the Tag Alongs and you went on your way. That’s what I thought, now don’t knock over any of my lawn gnomes and make sure you close the gate. I swear, these girl scouts are getting more and more mouthy every year.

Markham (August 2007)