Some Videos For You

This is probably the best commercial that I have seen made on a local level. I mean seriously, if this doesn't make you laugh, I feel bad for you. Evidently here in Utah we had a problem last summer with Crypto something or other spirosis. Whatever that is. I think this add will solve the problem.



And this is an inappropriate video of me with some friends about a year and a half ago. Go ahead, laugh at my pain.

Another Story

I'll try and do a little better throwing in some more of my stories. I've received some requests from some of my readers for more and I appreciate the support. This is a story I wrote a while ago, I'm not sure when, I wrote it on the back of a "to do" list which has, register car as one of my things to do. So, that would place it somewhere around October of 2007. Anyway, here it is. Let me know what you think.

"We'll never make it", Travis screamed. "Of course we will", shouted Truman. "And this wouldn't happen everyday if you'd just get your butt outta bed." "So now this is my fault", replied Travis. "If you're willing to admit you have a problem, I guess that's the first step on the road to recovery", joked Truman. "I don't know why we're even friends, all you ever do is piss me off", said Travis, his voice struggling to come out, now feeling the effects of running several blocks. "You've got a real problem Travis", said Truman, "you just take yourself to seriously, that's why you can't tell when I'm just joking". "Oh, I can tell when you're joking, your whole life is a joke", said Travis, feeling like he got the best of Truman on that one. "Oh, get out the pooper scooper folks", shouted Truman, "because Travis is talking crap". "That's pretty brave coming from the kid who's winded after running two blocks", Truman added. "I'm not winded, it's called controlled breathing, it helps my asthma", said Travis, now wheezing a little. "Well, you better keep controlling that breathing because we missed the bus", Truman said with a partial laugh in his voice. Travis stopped, attempted to catch his breath, looked at his best friend and said, "I hate you".

A Brand New Challenge

Oweing to the fact that I know that I can to nothing in this life without a goal I decided on July 14 that I needed to do something big. Because honestly, what have I been doing with my life lately? I work and I travel, and it is a charmed life I admit, I love going out and seeing places and visiting friends and family. But there isn't enough struggle, If I don't really want to do something, generally I don't do it. So, on the fateful day in July I decided that I needed to train for a marathon. And no, I'm not training for the Twilight Zone marathon, which to this date is the only marathon I have exprience with. I will say that it is a great marathon though. Anyway, I've decided that I will be running the Catalina Marathon on Saturday March 14th. Let me tell you, I sure know how to pick them. This thing is going to be a monster. The vast majority of the race is uphill. Let me show you on this chart here.







Am I crazy? Absolutely, isn't anyone that runs a marathon crazy? But I do look forward to this great challenge. I'm almost one month into my training. I've got another two months of mileage buildup training before I start my actual marathon training, but you gotta start somewhere. So far, it's been kicking my butt, as expected. But, as I said, I need to do something that I don't necessarily like. So, periodically I'll be updating on the blog my marathon training status.

Olympic Fever

Somebody take my temperature, I'm feeling a little quezzy. What could it be, well, if you read the title, I'm battling a serious bout of Olympic Fever. The opening ceremonies were amazing last night. The artistry was captivating, it pretty much made the Salt Lake opening ceremonies look like a high school production. But, such is the Olympics, you gotta top the last one. On a side note, an official evaluation of the countries of the world was made by Myself, Crane, James, and Landon. The results were both surprising and predictable in their own right. First of all, as expected Sweden dominated the ceremonies in the overall hotness of girls. But we were all impressed with Croatia and Slovakia, who represented themselves quite well. In my opinion the ultimate prize goes to Jordan(the country, not the kid living on an island right now) with only 3 women marching in the parade, each one was a stunning beauty.

How much do I love the Olympics? I watched woman's badminton for an hour followed by sculling. I don't know what it is about the Olympics, but I just get sucked in and I can hardly tear myself away. I imagine that over the next two weeks as I remain stationary on my couch, alternating between laying down and sitting up my body will enter a new form of lethergy never before attained. You would think spending all day watching people compete in athletic events would inspire me to get out and do something, it mostly just gets me tired. I figure they're in good enough shape to combat my laziness, except the shooting sports people, they're mostly FOG's (Fat Old Guys). Anyway, the US is whooping up on the Dutch in women's beach volleyball and I need to devot more attention toward the big screen. Peace out, and enjoy what millions around the world are enjoying.

Again, I wrote this a few months ago.


The landlocked pirate of Portales, New Mexico


I’m a pirate all right, isn’t it clear? Look at this long and nappy black beard, it still has crumbs in it from the battered fish sticks that I had for lunch. Perhaps you didn’t notice this eye-patch that I have to wear, it’s true that I don’t need it per say, and often times I change it from my left to my right eye, but that is only because it gets itchy and uncomfortable. But I’ll tell you right now that that does not make me any less of a pirate. In fact, did you notice my leg? No, not the right one, but the left one. Well, of course they would look the same to you. My left leg is my sea leg. I’ve always had problems with my balance; I had a real bad ear infection as a child. My left leg tends to wobble a lot as I walk; it shows people the effects of pirating. Would you like to see me take a walk around my yard? It is very entertaining to children and adults a like. Fine! I wasn’t planning on showing you anyway. Punks like you have no respect for pirates these days. What do you mean where is my ship? I guess you don’t see very well, it’s over there in the driveway. It may look like a Buick to you, but I can assure you that that is one of the greatest of pirate land-vessels every made. Perhaps you didn’t notice the skull and cross-bone bumper sticker on the trunk. That clearly states that that vehicle is to be used for pirating purposes only. Why is my wife driving away in it? That’s a stupid question, she has been given permission to go to the store and pillage it. I hope she remembers to get some Fig Newton’s, I love those things. Oh, so you don’t think I speak like a pirate. Well, you should have been here yesterday when I gave the mailman a good cussing out. If that no good mailman delivers my publishers clearing house to the neighbors again, I’m gonna talk to his supervisor. Have I even been to the ocean? That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard, in fact I don’t think that I need to answer anymore of your questions. I think that it would be best if you just told me how much I owe you for the Thin Mints and the Tag Alongs and you went on your way. That’s what I thought, now don’t knock over any of my lawn gnomes and make sure you close the gate. I swear, these girl scouts are getting more and more mouthy every year.

Markham (August 2007)

This was a little short story I wrote a couple months ago I liked it. Let me know what you think.




To be Stoic


I awoke feeling very stoic today, of course being a man of very limited intelligence I had to get a dictionary and look up what stoic meant. Once again owing to the fact that I have quite a small mind I did not fully comprehend the definition of stoic. As best as I could tell, it had something to do with gargoyles. Now, I do not have a great love for gargoyles, but when you wake-up feeling a certain way, I feel that it is best to act that way until the feeling passes. One might ask, “how is that you can feel and then act like a gargoyle”? This is indeed the question that I asked myself, I thought back to my days in school and all that I had learned of gargoyles. Sadly I did not remember much, I ran in circles hoping that the exercise would stimulate the part of my brain where I stored information about gargoyles. This was a fruitless endeavor though. I could think of very little in regards to gargoyles. I knew that they were on churches and more often then not they were quite ugly, generally speaking of course. I knew of several local churches that I could hang out at, but there was this issue of becoming ugly. While I was not blessed with much of a mind, I was given the gift of slightly above average looks. It would not be an easy task to make myself as ugly as a gargoyle, but I was up to a challenge. Challenges can be very fun, I find that they make me feel that I’ve done something great when I accomplish them, however, I feel pathetic and down-trodden when I do not rise to the challenge. Maybe that’s why I quit playing with Rubik’s cubes.
I placed a grey trench-coat over my broad shoulders; I used cardboard and an old headband to attach horns to my slightly balding head. I spent nearly an hour staring in the mirror practicing my gargoyle face, I twisted it at all kinds of angles. I crossed my eyes, flared my nostrils, and stuck my tongue out as though I was wild. With a minor adjustment to my costume, I added a pitch-fork, which was actually part of my salad tongs, I felt ready to meet the world. Truly, no better gargoyle could be portrayed. As I stood by the door ready to head to the nearest church, a strange feeling came upon me; it was a sense of accomplishment. I had risen to the challenge and became the stoic gargoyle that I felt inside. But I no longer felt stoic, I now had a feeling of self-actualization. Looks like I need my dictionary again.

Markham (Aug 16. 2007)